PDA please. Wait, what?

Wow. I haven’t blogged in ages. That’s not okay. But I’m back now :) To start, a quote:

“But if I’m being completely honest with myself, one of the things I want most right now is for someone to show interest in me, to pursue me, to prove to me that they’re good.”

This is a quote from my friend’s most recent blog post. While it is dumb of me to take something from my friend’s blog (hey!), this sentence is what stood out the most to me. The most intriguing part about her post (which you should all go check out – thepretendextrovert.wordpress.com) was the concept behind it, primarily because it’s a topic I have been wanting to discuss for ages, but never gotten around to it. So here we go:

I have recently discovered something quite interesting about myself that I guess I subconsciously always knew about myself. My discovery — I require public displays of affection. No, no, not like the couples who block hallways at school because they’re standing in the corner making out and not one wants to tell them off. By PDA, I mean, you have to tell me you love me, and show it to me too. Yeah, sure, I might know that you love me, but unless you outwardly tell me or are constantly giving me hugs, I will always have my doubts. And moreover, I’m drawn to those people – so many older women I know that are mothers and have kids, make me wish they were my mother sometimes because they show me they love me. They are the ones who say it the most or hug me the most or are just showering me with kindness the most. I know it sounds weird, but its true.

Shifting gears a little bit, the one thing that I want the most, is for a boy toshow me he loves me. I always, always get asked, “who do you like? who do you think is cute? C’mon, there’s gotta be someone you like!” or any variation of those questions, and my response, for as long as I can remember, has always been a denial of my liking of anyone – never have, not going to till I’m older, don’t have the time for it. I don’t know why, if I have ever been interested in anyone, I never told anyone. Yet, I have found myself constantly thinking about being in a relationship – and by constantly, I mean like those were my primary thoughts, which turned into daily dreams. I’ve thought about it a lot and dreamt up scenarios of me going on dates. Plus, pintrest has made me want to plan a wedding (preferably my own) for THE longest time now.  There’s just something about not having it that makes me want it more. Before, it was a total joke. Like, “oh you want love? you don’t even know what that is, therefore stop daydreaming and start focusing”. Now that I see people going into and out of relationships, I want it more than ever. When I see a love like my uncle and aunt’s, it just makes that desire intensified by 654321356789. My aunt is literally the cutest! She walks her husband outside every morning to his car, and waits till he drives away. They are always referring to each other as “honey” or “my love”. They kiss each other all the time, and act like their new lovers all the time. They make me want to be in a relationship like them!

Let’s be realistic for a moment: I know nothing about relationships and love. Nothing. But if we’re being honest, it’s the one thing I crave more than anything. To love and be loved.

This post ended up being longer than I expected and probably could’ve been two, but since it’s over basically nothing, whatever.

People Pleasing: a disease uncurable.

Being a people pleaser is actually quite hard. Most don’t realize how hard it it – trying to do what you want while trying to not upset others. It is actually probably one of the best ways to lose who you are as a person because you are too focused on what you’re trying to do for others, or are fearing what they might say or how they will react. And yes, if you couldn’t tell, I am referring to myself.

Being a people pleaser puts a lot of pressure on me actually, despite what I try and tell myself. I am trying to live up to the expectations of my teachers, while simultaneously trying to live up to the standard of my parents. For instance, I have the first half of my research paper due on Wednesday of which I have only written two sentence; yet, I have no idea which direction my paper is even remotely going in and I am under so much pressure because my teacher expects a good paper out of me – she’s expecting an A paper to which I am trying to please. But thats kind of hard to do when you have no idea in the world what to write on.

Where do you draw the line between trying to do the best for others or trying to do the best for yourself? Because of my people pleasing ways, I am in a constant state of fear. Fear of what people will say and judge me about, but also fear of the possibilities that could happen when I do or don’t do something. Peoples words drive so deep into me, its hard to tell what are my own thoughts and what are the thoughts people have instilled in me. I do not understand why I have the desire to go to China, but I know that’s what I want to do – more than that, I am afraid to go because of all of the things that people have said to me. It makes me so scared.

This post took a weird turn right there at the end, but the bottom line is this: people pleasing is a disease that is undoubtedly the hardest one to cure.

The reason I created a blog

If you had ever told me to create a blog, I probably would’ve laughed in your face and then proceeded to list the reasons of why I shouldn’t create one or how I don’t need to create a blog or whatever. So although those reasons might still exist, I’ve created a blog anyways. Why? Because I need an outlet (and no, not like the one on the wall). My thoughts and ideas and fantasies create situations and probabilities in my head that are more than likely never going to happen. So instead of bottling them up or trying to tell someone with the minimal number of details, as to not expose every aspect of your personal life, I’ve decided to create a blog for me – a “mind palace” of sorts where I can let go of the things in my head and write them down (or in this case type). This blog will contain the inner most contents of my thoughts and just how insightfully blind I really am to the world. Warning: there will be lots of criticism, not because I’m a negative person but more because I don’t feel like containing them anymore.